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The Olympic ‘Athlete’

Setting: The Olympic Village front gate, London, 2012.

Characters: 2 Door staff members, hopeful Olympic athlete. Any / all can be male / female.

Point: Do you qualify?

Note: Some of the jokes early on involve incidents that happened before the Olympics. You may need to replace them with other more current jokes at the time of using the sketch.

The Sketch

Door Staff 1: (Looking a bit bored. Yawns).

Door Staff 2: We don’t have enough staff on the door again today. G4S Security have really messed up. I mean, I may as well ask my daughter!

Door Staff 1: I heard they were saying there wasn’t enough staff cos we’ve had the wrong type of rain recently. Half of the staff aren’t even turning up for work. Do you reckon your daughter would do the job?

Door Staff 2: Probably not, she’s only 6. Wrong type of rain..? Staff not turning up..? Think I’ve heard it all. Apparently they’re asking for volunteers from the members of the army they’re sacking. Disgrace.

Door Staff 1: It’s crazy isn’t it? These guys fight for their country and get thrown on the streets. The staff probably aren’t turning up cos their bus driver has got lost or something…

Door Staff 2: They’ll probably start putting cardboard cut-outs around the place. Still, you’d probably get more sense out of them than a politician…

Door Staff 1: Ah, here comes an athlete wanting to get into the village. Hope he (she) isn’t here with their wife (husband) otherwise they’ll probably end up in different rooms again like that Aussie couple.

Athlete: Good morning. I’ve come for the Olympics.

Door Staff 1 and 2: (look at each other. Whisper, ‘we’ve got a right one here’ to each other).

Door Staff 2: Really? So you’ve come to the Olympic village for the Olympics?!

Athlete: That’s right. I got the bus but it got lost for 4 hours on the way. The driver said we’d had the wrong type of rain..

Door Staff 1: Er, yes. And do you have your Olympic ID.

Athlete: Olympic ID? Oh no. I’ve just come to take part in the Olympics.

Door Staff 2: Erm. So have you been chosen by your country’s Olympic Selection Committee to take part?

Athlete: Oh no. No, I’ve just come to represent my country at the Olympics. I’ve travelled miles for this, invested my life savings to get here.

Door Staff 1: So, do you have an event you intend to take part in?

Athlete: Oh no. I’ve just come along and will probably pick something later on.

Door Staff 2: And has anyone from your country agreed for you to be here?

Athlete: Oh no. I’ve just come to take part.

Door Staff 1: Have you got any experience in any kind of Olympic events?

Athlete: Oh no. Not really. I mean, I threw the javelin at school but didn’t do too well at it.

Door Staff 2: When you say ‘didn’t do too well at it’, what do you mean? 

Athlete: Well, I was meant to throw the javelin but no-one really said in which direction. So I aimed it at the teacher. We didn’t get on very well.

Door Staff 1: (looking increasingly worried). Uhuuuu…

Athlete: And of course, there was cricket at school. We did play that. Well, I mean I played once.

Door Staff 2: Dare I ask what happened..?

Athlete: Well, it’s this whole thing about when to hit the ball… The ball was bowled and then… well, I hit the ball…

Door Staff 1: OK, so that doesn’t sound too bad.

Athlete: Well, it wouldn’t be so bad if the wicket keeper wasn’t holding the cricket ball at the time.. Poor guy lost all sensation in his hands. Couldn’t write for months…

Door Staff 2: Would you describe yourself as gifted in any sport?

Athlete: I did make the school football team.

Door Staff 1: Phew. I thought you were going to say you didn’t play any sports!

Athlete: Ah, yes well… You see, our team only had 15 players in from the 11 that could normally play… I was used as a sub one week. Seven of the team went down with food poisoning…

Door Staff 2: So, you played instead of the normal team to make up numbers?

Athlete: Not exactly. I was a substitute.

Door Staff 1: A substitute? But the team only had 8 fit players!!

Athlete: Yes, it was felt that the team would do better with me as a substitute and only play with 8 players…

Door Staff: (look at each other and cannot believe what they’re hearing).

Door Staff 2: So let’s get this straight… You aren’t an Olympic athlete.

Athlete: No.

Door Staff 1: And you don’t have any Olympic ID?

Athlete: No.

Door Staff 2: And you haven’t been selected by your country’s Olympic Committee?

Athlete: Er. No.

Door Staff 1: And you haven’t got an event to take part in?

Athlete: No.

Door Staff 2: And no-one from your country has agreed to or knows that you’re here?

Athlete: Erm.. No.

Door Staff 1: And you haven’t got any experience in any Olympic events?

Athlete: Nope.

Door Staff 2: And you aren’t any good at sport?

Athlete: (Thinks briefly, considers the question). No.

Door Staff 1: And you’d like us to let you in to the Olympic village?

Athlete: Yes.

Door Staff: (look at each other and think for a moment). You haven’t got any experience in being in security for the Olympics have you?

Athlete: Absolutely none.

Door Staff (together): Oh, well in that case, you may as well come in and join our team

(They hand over a yellow jacket and the three of them stand together on the door).

Athlete: So, did you guys get any training in this Olympic security thing then?

Door Staff (together): Oh no, we just found some yellow jackets here and thought we’d give it a go.

Athlete: Fair enough…

(The three of them continue to ‘man’ the ‘security’)

Point… There’s a point to this sketch??

RT Kendall the great Bible teacher once asked this question: If you were to get to heaven and got to the gate and were asked why you should be let into heaven, what would you answer?

What if you were asked that question? What would you say?

(Clue: the only way we get to heaven is through Jesus. He is the only way according to the Bible in places like John 14.6. What other Bible verses tell you this?)