The sketch is a development of the Bad Christmas Video which was written for camera. This sketch is to be performed live.
Christmas Sketch – in style of a bad kids nativity play
This is deliberately meant to be bad, but it needs practice to make what is ‘bad’, ‘good’..! So work on it and personalise the sketch. This went down very well for us. The beauty of this is that it’s OK to have a script on-stage, so you don’t need to learn the lines. No offence is intended to anyone from Plymouth or Derriford Hospital, they are just jokes!! Replace with your local football rival’s nearest hospital.
The lines must be delivered as blandly as possible. Every so often look at a ‘parent’ in the audience and wave to them, or look bashful, or stand off stage, sulk etc. etc!!
Where you need to change names / words, I have highlighted in bold.
Background images (if needed)
Here’s a powerpoint download (in a zip file) that we used as a simple background
- Sheet for Mary to wear, and a shawl.
- Also a cushion to make her look pregnant.
- A toy dog wrapped in a shawl
- Sheet for Joseph to wear
- Shepherd’s outfit – we used a hanky on the head, a shemagh wrapped around the shoulders and a wooden pole for crook. (Get a shemagh from local army surplus store – it’s the thing people in the Middle East wear around their head / armed forces use in deserts)
- Wise man outfit – a robe or another sheet, and a paper hat with the words ‘Wise Man’ written upside down
Joseph –(steps forward) Once upon a time there was a boy and a girl and their names was Mary and Joseph. I am Joseph. One day an angel appeared to Mary. She is Amy (change to name of actress), I mean, Mary (points at Mary then steps back)
Mary – (doing her nails). An angel appeared to me. He was really big and came from God, a bit like Russ, and he had a bright light behind him, (changes into her own thoughts) but I didn’t like his outfit, it was a bit over the top, too sparkly for me and what was he thinking with those wings…(Joseph looks at her and she gets back on track) .Oh, sorry, he said, “I am G, G, Gordon, Graham, Gabrielle.. I mean Gabriel, an angel. You will have a baby boy and call him Jesus.” I said to him “but I want to call him Rhydian” as I like that name as I want him to be famous. The angel said no and flew away.
Joseph – (steps forward) One day I saw that Mary was getting a bit fat. I said to Mary, “are you getting a bit fat? Have you been eating too many mince pies..? Or is it Christmas pudding?” I should not have said that. My advice to men is don’t say what I said next. I said, “I thought Father Christmas was a man? You are big enough to be Father Christmas”. Don’t say that. Mary had been drinking Russ’s (change name to church leader / youth leader’s name) mulled wine and this is what happened.. (steps back)
Mary – (hits him) No, I am having a baby you fool.
Joseph – (Shocked) Are you? How did this happen? I don’t understand..
Mary – well Joseph, when a man and a woman love each other very much.. (whispers to Joseph about how babies are made)
Joseph – (the truth gradually dawns on Joseph). Oh.. I see.. (embarrassed)
Joseph – (steps forward) Mary explained God had sent an Angel. (steps back)
Mary – God sent an angel. He is like a postman, but from God.. and always on time.. more Godmail than Royal Mail.. and he doesn’t need a letterbox..
Joseph – An angel?! Sounds a bit funny to me, but OK. I trust you that a big shiny man with a light behind him flew down from the sky and God had sent him and he said that you would be the mother of Jesus, even though you are still a virgin and not married.. I am convinced that you saw an angle.
Mary – (points at his script and whispers) – An angel.
Joseph – (looks at script, turns upside down, looks embarrassed) – an angel..
(Joseph on a donkey, Mary walking – going ‘clip clop’ on a broom handle)
Mary – Joseph, I’m sure that in the Christmas story, Mary was riding on the donkey. I want a go on the donkey..
Joseph – yeah, but I like this donkey.. Clip, clop, yee haa..
(they fight over the broomstick, before Mary glares and ‘wins’. Joseph sulks and says stuff like “it’s not fair..”)
Mary – (shakes head at Joseph and steps forward) One day we went to a new town. It was a horrible place, and very dirty and smelly, a bit like Plymouth (replace ‘Plymouth’ with local football rival town or similar) but it was called Bethlehem.
Joseph – (Joseph steps forward) It took a long time to get to Bethlehem because of all the traffic lights. We tried to find somewhere nice to stay but there was no room at any of the inns because of the Exeter (replace with your city’s / town’s name) University students who live everywhere and had not gone home for Christmas and whose cars were in all the residents parking spaces. We had to park the donkey on double yellow lines.. (steps back)
Mary – I told Joseph we should book ahead on the internet, but would he listen..?! We even had to pay a parking ticket on the donkey.. Eventually we found a small farm with animals, it was called Crealy (replace ‘Crealy’ with a local wildlife park) and I had my baby. There were no midwives as the R.D & E (replace with local hospital) had not been invented and we didn’t want to go to Derriford (replace with hospital in nearby town).. (steps back)
Mary – (totally unconvincing and lacklustre noises of pain) Ouch, oo, no it hurts. It is so painful. I cannot believe the pain I am in. Oh no, ouch, ouch. Please no more. This childbirth is terrible..
Joseph – (watching TV) Shut up, don’t be so noisy, I’m watching God TV Christmas special..
Mary – oo, the baby is coming (pulls cushion out from under top and throws it to the side.. Pause.. Mary & Joseph look nervously at each other. Someone rushes on and gives Mary a toy dog wrapped up in a towel instead)
Mary – look it’s a baby, who’s a coochy woochy little babywaby then.. (makes a lot of baby noises at the ‘baby’)
Joseph – (gets up and looks at Mary). Why are you making those funny noises? It’s not a baby, it’s a toy dog.. Why are you playing with a toy dog?
Mary – shh, no it isn’t a toy dog you fool, it’s a real baby (whacks Joseph)
Joseph – Ow, I mean, isn’t she lovely..
Mary – (whispers) He!
Joseph – (realises mistake, looks up nervously). I mean, wow, isn’t he lovely..
Mary – (steps forward). One day some shepherds came to visit. (Steps back)
Shepherd – (With towel over head. Makes ‘mooo’ noises..)
(Mary runs over to Joseph and whispers). Joseph realizes mistake and starts making ‘baaa’ noises).Shh, be quiet Shawn.. Shawn, stay there.. (pretending talking to Shawn the sheep sheep). I am a shepherd. Of sheep that go ‘baa’ not ‘moo’. I have travelled from Stoke Hill (replace with local hill name). I saw an angel and I thought I was hallucinating from Russ’s (change name to church leader / youth leader’s name, the same one as used above) mulled wine. But I wasn’t. He said, “Go to see a Saviour born in a crib in Bethlehem.” So here I am. I don’t have any gifts because I have forgotten them because I am a man.. Baaa.. Shh! Shawn..
Mary – this is Jesus (pointing to baby). He is the Saviour of the world.
Shepherd – (long pause, they look at each other nervously as if they don’t know what to say next). I see. He is a nice baby. (Long pause. Then shepherd walks off).
Mary – (steps forward). And then some wise people came along. They were called wise men, because they were wise. (steps back). Hello wise man.
Wise Man – (walks on wearing wise hat – a bit of paper with the words, ‘Wise man’ written on. It is upside down). We are wise men.. I mean I am a wise man. (Impersonates a geek). The square root of 4 is 2..
Mary – What was the first player to score a hat-trick in the world cup called?
Wise Man – (Impersonates a geek). I can tell you that Bert Patenaude was the first player to score a hat-trick in a World Cup match, on 19 July 1930 against Paraguay. However there is some controversy, because some people say that Patenaude scored 2 goals and the other was an own goal, in fact we could say that the first hat trick was scored by Argentinian Guillermo Stabile..
Mary – Shh! Which verses in the Bible say that 3 wise men visited baby Jesus?
Joseph – I am very wise and I have again searched google.israel for the answer to this one. (Impersonates a geek). We only assume that there were three wise men because of the three gifts that were given: gold, incense, and myrrh – so says Matthew 2:11. However, the Bible does not say there were three wise men. Additionally, it is doubtful that the wise men visited Jesus immediately after his birth. In fact, the wise men came months (or possibly as much as two years) later, when Joseph and Mary had settled in Nazareth..
Mary – Er, yes, anyway…
Wise Man – I come bearing 3 gifts.. an Xbox 360, an iPhone and a SatNav.. (Mary shakes her head). I mean, gold, frankincense, and myrrh.. Funny gifts really. Gold is the gift for a king; incense, the gift for a priest; and myrrh, a burial ointment as a gift for one who would die.
Both Together – (say together, but out of time with one another) and that is the Christmas story of how Jesus was born.
(Both look cheesily at audience, then both curtsy)