Need some amusing little bits and pieces to fill youth work meetings, programs or whatever you call ’em. Here’s a few I collected on my web-wide travels.. Thanks to Paul R for the ‘Bumper Stickers’ and myfishbites friends..
Crazy Insurance excuses
Go to this ‘swapmeetdave’ page here (accessed and working, May 2019)
Bad Christian Jokes – from various sources
Q. What was the name of Isaiah’s horse?
A. Is Me (Woe is Me Isaiah 6)
Q. How were Adam and Eve prevented from gambling?
A. Their paradise (pair-o-dice) was taken away from them!
Q. When did Moses sleep with five people in one bed?
A. When he slept with his forefathers.
Q. Who was the best financier in the bible?
A. Noah – he floated his stock while the whole world was in liquidation.
Q.Which bible person introduced the first walking stick?
A. Eve – she gave Adam a little Cain
Q.Who sounded the first bell in the bible?
A. Cain when he hit Abel.
Q Who was the most popular actor in the bible?
A. Samson because he brought the house down.
Q. Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the ark?
A. Because they were using foul language.
Q. What vegetable did Noah not want on the ark?
Top 10 Lines Christian Women Use to Break Up
10. I’m sorry, I’ve found someone more spiritual.
9. I’m sorry it’s just not God’s will.
8. I feel called to the ministry… Very soon and very far from you as soon as possible.
7. I’m sorry, it could never work. I’m a sanguine and you’re a phlegmatic.
6. God loves me and must have a better plan for my life.
5. You know, I feel like I’m dating my brother.
4. At least I got a lot out of our Bible studies together.
3. You need someone with lower standards.
2. I think we should just be prayer partners.
1. I do love you, but it’s just agape now.
Men Are Just Happier People. What do you expect from such simple creatures?
1. Your last name stays put.
2. The garage is all yours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. Chocolate is just another snack.
5. You can never be pregnant.
6. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
7. You can wear no shirt to a water park.
8. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
9. You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too icky.
10. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
11. Same work, more pay.
12. Wrinkles add character.
13. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
14. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
15. One mood all the time.
16. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
17. You know stuff about tanks.
18. A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
19. You can open all your own jars.
20. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
21. Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack.
22. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
23. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
24. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
25. You only have to shave your face and neck.
26. You can play with toys all your life.
27. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
28. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, for all seasons.
29. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
30. You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife.
31. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
32. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier! Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
Insurance Excuses (pilfered from email / internet)
• The lorry driver halted and worked for the corporation.
• I collided with a stationary truck coming in the other direction.
• The occupants were stalking deer on the hillside.
• I left my Austin Seven outside, and when I came out later, to my amazement there was an Austin Twelve.
• To avoid a collision I ran into the other car.
• There were plenty of lookers on, but no witnesses.
• The water from my radiator accidently froze at twelve midnight.
• The accident was due to an invisible lorry narrowly missing me.
• I was scraping my nearside on the bank when the accident occurred.
• After the accident a working gentleman offered to be a witness in my favour.
• I collided with a stationary tree.
• There was no damage to the car as the gate post will testify.
• The accident was due to the road bending.
• The witness gave his occupation as a gentleman but it would be more correct in calling him a garage proprietor.
• The other man altered his mind and I had to run over him.
• I told the other idiot what he was and went on.
• One wheel went into the ditch. My foot jumped from the accellerator pedal, leapt across the lane to the other side and jammed in the trunk of a tree.
• I remember nothing after passing the Crown Hotel until I came to and saw P.C. Brown.
• A cow wandered into my car. I was afterwards informed that the cow was half-witted.
• A bull was standing near-by and a fly must have tickled him because he gored my car.
• If the other driver had stopped a few yards behind himself, it would not have happened.
• She suddenly saw me, lost her head and we collided.
• I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings.
• I ran into the shop window and sustained injuries to my wife.
• I misjudged a lady crossing the street.
• I heard a horn blow and was violently struck in the back – a lady was evidently trying to pass me.
• Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I haven’t got.
• Three women were talking to each other, and when one stepped back and one stepped forward I had to have an accident.
• I can give no details of the accident as I was somewhat concussed at the time.
• Wilful damage was done to the upholstery by rats.
• A pedestrian hit me and went underneath my car.
• I blew my horn but it would not work as it was stolen.
• I thought the garage had only four posts, but my car bumped into a fifth.
• I was overhauling the car when it was stolen.
• A lamp-post bumped into my car, damaging it in two places.
• The car in front of me stopped suddenly and I crashed gently into his luggage grid.
• I left my car unattended for a minute and whether by accident or design it ran away.
• The other car collided with mine without giving any warning of its intentions.
• I unfortunately ran over a pedestrian and the old gentleman was taken to hospital much regretting the circumstances.
• I thought the side window was down but it was up as I found out when I put my head through it.
• I consider neither vehicle to blame, but if either was to blame it was the other one.
• I knocked over a man. He admitted it was his fault and had been knocked over before.
• I looked for the sign but the more I looked the more I couldn’t find it.
• By the way, I believe if I had lost my head the accident could have been worse.
• I was knocked out as a result of the collision and was taken to hospital where I sustained serious injuries.
• The other car collided with mine without giving any warning of its intention.
• A truck backed through my windshield and into my wife’s face.
• The bloke was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
• I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
• In attempting to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
• I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
• I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing my to have an accident.
• As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
• To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian.
• My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
• An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
• I told the police I was not injured but upon removing my hat I found I had a fractured skull.
• I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
• The pedestrian had no idea in which direction to run, so I ran over him.
• I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the bonnet of my car.
• The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
• I was thrown from my car as it left the road and was later found in a ditch by some stray boys.
• The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.
• Leaving home for work I drove out of my drive straight into a bus; the bus was five minutes early.
• The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.
• I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel
• “I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
• “The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.”
• “I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
• The accident was due to the other man narrowly missing me.
Actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping
On a bag of Fritos (Doritos in UK):
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions – use like regular soap
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving Suggestion – Defrost
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert:
Do not turn upside down (printed on bottom of box)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body
On Boots Children’s cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning – may cause drowsiness
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use
On Sainsbury’s peanuts:
Warning – contains nuts
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions – open packet, eat nuts
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals
On a child’s superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly
In a Classified Ad:
‘Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.’
In the Exeter Express & Echo newpaper jobs section – ‘Salvation Army.. Secretary.. Must be sympathetic to the aims and objections of the Salvation Army’ (ie. says ‘objections’ not ‘objectives’)
– I want to die in my sleep like my grandpa. Not screaming and kicking like the passengers in his car.
– If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
– Learn from your parent’s mistakes – use bIrth control
– I’m not as think as you drunk I am
– Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
– I love cats.. they taste like chicken
– Out of my mind. Back in 5 minutes
– Forget the Jones’s, I keep up with The Simpsons
– The more people I meet, the more I like my dog
– Rehab is for quitters
– Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him sleep
– Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition
– Sorry, I don’t date outside my species
– No radio – already stolen
– I took an IQ test and the results were negative
– Wherever there’s a will, I want to be in it
– Few women admit their age. Fewer men act it
– I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it
– i souport publik edekashun
– Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home
– There are 3 kinds of people – those who can count and those who can’t
– Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
RULES FROM MEN
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us going on about you leaving it down.
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints Do not work! Just say it!
1. We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes – tops. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I’m in shape. ROUND is a shape.
IN A LAUNDRETTE: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all of your clothes when the light goes out
IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday – kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken
IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After making tea, please empty teapot and stand upside down on the draining board
OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exhange anything – bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain
QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned – by Order of the District Council
SPOTTED DURING A SAFARI: Elephants – Please Stay In Your Car
SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is a day care on the first floor
NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges
SPOTTED IN A TOLIET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toliet out of order. Please use floor below
Some REAL signs spotted around the world
In a Tokyo Hotel – Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis
In a Bucharest hotel lobby – The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable
In a hotel in Athens – Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 am daily
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery – You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency – Take one of our horse-driven city tours – we guarantee no miscarriages
In a Swiss mountain inn – Special today, no ice cream.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office – We take your bags and send them in all directions
On the door of a Moscow hotel room – If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge – Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar
In a Budapest zoo – Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty
In an Acapulco hotel – The manager has personally passed all the water served here
In a Tokyo shop – Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner – Cooles and Heates; if you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself
In a Rhodes tailor shop – Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation
THE SENILITY PRAYER
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference…
(Author and source unknown)
NOW I’M OLDER, HERE’S WHAT I DISCOVERED
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded..
5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser
8. Some days you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents
11. Accidents in the back seat – cause kids
12. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere
13. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees
15. When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
16. It’s not hard to meet expenses… they’re everywhere
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth
18. These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter…. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m here after. (That’s an oldie!)
(Author and source unknown)
ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM NOAH AND THE ARK
1. Don’t miss the boat
2. Try to remember that we’re all in the same boat
3. Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark, you know
4. Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big
5. Don’t listen to critics, just get on with what has to be done
6. Build your future on high ground
7. For safety’s sake, travel in pairs
8. Two heads are better than one
9. Speed isn’t always an advantage; after all, the snails were on board with the cheetahs
10. When you’re stressed, try floating awhile
11. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs; it was the Titanic that was built by professionals
12. Remember that woodpeckers inside are a larger threat than storms outside
13. No matter what the difficulty, trust in the Almighty: There’ll be a rainbow at the end of the storm
(Author and source unknown)
DID YOU EVER WONDER?
1. What is the speed of dark?
2. When you’re sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
3. How come you never heard about gruntled employees?
4. What’s another word for synonym?
5. Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
6. How can there be self-help groups?
7. Why do you need a driver’s license to buy alcohol when you can’t drink and drive?
8. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
9. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
10. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
11. Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
12. Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
13. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at the carpeting?
14. Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
15. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
16. Hermits have no peer pressure
17. How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
18. The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, “Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.”
19. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
20. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
21. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
22. If cops arrest a mime artist, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
23. Why is the word abbreviation so long?
24. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
25. What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
26. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
27. Is it possible to be totally partial?
28. What’s another word for thesaurus?
29. If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
30. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
31. How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?
32. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
33. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
34. If a turtle loses it’s shell… is it naked, or homeless?
35. What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?
36. What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Company?
37. If a tin whistle is made out of tin… and it is… exactly what is a fog horn made out of?
38. Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
39. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
40. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
41. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
42. Why do they report power outages on TV
43. Do people in Australia call the rest of the world ‘up over’?
44. Does killing time damage eternity?
45. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
46. If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
48. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
49. When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?
50. How is it possible to run out of space?
51. Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
52. Does a man-eating shark eat women, too?
53. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
54. Are you breaking the law if you drive past those road signs that say “Do Not Pass”
55. Could crop-circles be the work of a cereal killer?