Sketch written by Ben L – there are 4 characters, each with their own personality. We did this in a variety of accents. I think our attempts at the accents were of greater amusement to the young people than the actual sketch content but hey…
For the record, O was from the Welsh Valleys, T was from Leeds, Joseph was from Swansea and Andy was from Liverpool… no reason why…
(O and T are in a Jewish bar)
T – A pint of Caesar’s finest barman, and a packet of chicken scratchings (To audience) I don’t eat pork.
(T takes a drink and pulls a face)
O – What’s wrong with you?
T -That so called beer. That’s what’s wrong. It tastes like camel flem! Give me Scrumpy Jacob Cider any day! Anyway, you going to the game on Saturday?
O – The game? Are you serious? After last week’s performance? Losing 3-0 at home to Bethsaida. That’s not even a proper place! And, Julius Flack scored a hat-trick. I mean, Flack? He’s awful! Normally, he couldn’t hit a camel from 12 paces!
T – Got a chance this week, it’s Exeter City in the cup!
O – A chance? We’ve got no chance! Our defence is non-existent and you’ve got more chance of getting a camel through the eye of a needle than our midfield have got of getting a ball through a defence. And don’t even get me started on our strikers! They… (T looking in opposite direction.) are you listening to me?
T – Yes dear!
O – (Shouts in T’s ear) Oi
T – What?
O – What are you looking at?
T – Not what, who. That barmaid. She keeps looking over at me. (Runs fingers through hair) Think I’m in there!
O – Get real! You’ve got no chance. She’s out of your league.
T – (Sighs) You’re probably right. (Brightens up) I’ll tell you who I really fancy.
O – If you must.
T – (Stage whisper) Mary
O – (Shouts) Mary!
T – Keep your voice down
O – Mary? As in Joseph and Mary, Mary?
T – Yes, Mary. You gotta admit, she’s got a cracking figure and fantastic ankles!
O – She’s engaged to Joseph. Or had you conveniently forgotten about that?
T – Of course I haven’t forgotten. But, stranger things have happened. Maybe Joseph has a secret drink problem.
O – You need help. I can’t believe you’re even thinking about these things. Shh. Here he comes
(J walks in looking totally depressed, sits down.)
O – Hi mate. What’s wrong?
J – I’ve had some bad news.
T – Sorry to hear that… Want a beer?
J – No thanks. Don’t feel like drinking.
O – (To T) There goes your theory!
T – Shut up!
J – What theory?
T – Never mind. Just ignore him. What’s up?
J – (As O takes a drink) Mary’s pregnant!
O – (Spits out drink) Pregnant?
T – Call me an old traditionalist, but isn’t the correct procedure to get married first. But, well done, you sly dog!
J – I’m not the father
O – (Glares at T) You…
T – Of course I didn’t. (To J) so who’s the father? I’ll send the lads round!
O – Shut up!
J – I don’t know who the father is
O – What’s Mary said?
J – She said that an angel visited her and told her that she was going to have a child by the Holy Spirit.
T – (Sarcastic) Oh! That’s very convenient. Blame someone who doesn’t live in the town. That’s gotta be the most original… and the most stupid excuse I’ve ever heard!
O – Will you please keep your mouth shut for 30 seconds? (To J) The Holy Spirit? Surely she knows no-one will believe that story?
J – She must think I’m a fool.
O – What are you going to do?
J – I don’t know. I think maybe I still love her.
T – Love her?! Then you really are a fool! How can you even think about still being in love with that harlot, that fluzy, that tart? Get rid of her mate, that’s my advice
O – Oh that’s great! Relationship advice from the doctor of lurve himself, Abraham Springer! You’ve had more girl-friends than I’ve had quail sandwiches! (To Joseph) Listen Joe. You gotta be sure about this. You know what this place is like, people’s tongues move faster than a greased whippet! A lot of mud’s gonna be thrown at you and Mary and some of it’s going to stick.
J – (Smiles weakly) Guess I’d better buy an umbrella then! What am I going to do? I love Mary, she’s never lied to me before, but this is just too unbelievable to be true. Any suggestions?
(O and T sit silently, looking awkward staring at the ground, shuffling feet etc. every time T goes to say something O shuts him up.)
O – (Jumping up) I’ve got it!
T – Well I don’t want it!
O – No, you cretin! I’ve got the solution. It’s simple, we’ll ask the advice of the most wise man we know, Rabbi Andrew.
J+T – (Look at each other. Together) Rabbi Andrew!
J – That’s brilliant!
T – I’ll say it’s brilliant, Rabbi Andy’s always got a few bottles of wine just waiting to be consumed!
(O,T and J approach A)
J – We’ll have to wait, he’s preaching
T – (Fed up) Great, we could be here for days!
A – Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
T – Told you
A – Blah, blah, blah, amen
T – At last, he’s finished. Where’s the wine?
(O,T and J walk up to A)
A – Hey lads. How’s it going?
J – Not too good Rabbi Andrew.
A – Call me Andy. What’s wrong brother?
J – Well it’s about Mary…
A – Ah yes, a fine specimen, fantastic ankles!
T – That’s what I said!
J – (unsure) yyeess! Anyway, as you know, we’re engaged to be married. But today she tells me that she’s pregnant and that the Holy Spirit is the father. And I don’t know what to do.
A – I feel your pain brother Joe. There’s only one solution… stone her!
J – What? Stone her? I can’t do that!
A – You’ve got to. (Holds up Bible) It’s in the rules. (Starts to read) ‘Both the adulterer and the adulteress must be put to death..’ There you go, problem solved.
J – But doesn’t it also say that when Moses asked God to forgive the people, our ancestors, God agreed. Shouldn’t we forgive too?
A – A mere technicality! Anyway, Leviticus comes before Numbers, so we do my bit first! I’ll tell you what, we’ll stone her, then we’ll forgive her! That way, everyone’s happy.
J – No! I refuse to let Mary be killed.
A – Then you really are a fool. I’m off for a drink. Anyone coming?
T – Too right! (A and T leave)
O – So, what are you going to do?
J – I just don’t know
T – This may sound childish, but it’s true. Every time we face a hard situation, Satan attacks us and tries to persuade us to make the wrong choice. The only thing we can do is pray and ask God for the wisdom to know what’s right and the strength to do that.
J – I guess you’re right. (To audience) What would you do?