Church Howlers

Need sum amusing littul bits from churcxh bulletinzz..

1. There will be a procession in the grounds of the Monastery next Sunday afternoon. If it rains in the afternoon the procession will take place in the morning

2. A member of a Church gave the Minister a gift of cherry brandy on the condition that he would say thank you in the Church mag. The thank you read: “Thank you Mrs Makintosh for the gift of cherries and the spirit in which it was given.”

3. Seen in a ‘forthcoming events’ section of a paper in Birmingham. “Pram service in church. Followed by talk about the wind.”

4. A Baptist newsletter reported that Mr & Mrs Brown had gone on holiday for 10 days. It continued to say that: “the two daughters are starving with relatives during their absence.”

5. The service sheet seen at a Church while on summer holiday read: “PLEASE NOTE. From next Sunday the evening service will be at 8pm. This will continue until 13th September.”

6. Headline from a local paper: “PENSIONERS WED – Fifty years friendship ends at altar.”

7. A very arrogant vicar once asked a class: “Why do people call me a Christian?” After some hesitation one lad replied: “Perhaps it’s because they don’t know you.”

8. The pastor of a Church had just happily stated that another lady in the church was expecting a baby. Still beaming he said: “There were no pregnancies in the parish until I arrived.”

9. At a women’s meeting, one of the women told others to boycott the local laundrette after she read the notice above the machines: “WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT, PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES.”

10. A road safety poster near a school read: “DRIVE CAREFULLY PAST SCHOOL. DON’T KILL A CHILD.” Next day there was more writing in a childish scrawl: “WAIT FOR A TEACHER.”

11. Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice-cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early

12. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession

13. Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study

14. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar

15. Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper

16. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow

17. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice

18. Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance

19. The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join them

20. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy

21. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children

22. Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs Jones will sing “Put Me In My Little Bed” accompanied by the pastor

23. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7.00-8:30p.m. Please use the back door

24. Ushers will eat latecomers

25. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs

26. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.”

27. A song fest was hell at the Methodist church on Wednesday

28. Don’t let worry kill you off – let the church help

29. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs Julius Belzer

30. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptised at both ends