interview

This raises issues around the employment and treatment of women in the church, it's also about what are a church's priorities when appointing a youth worker. What matters in the church? Are we missing out on the fundamentals of what Jesus has called us to do - replaced by pseudo and unnecessary 'traditions' and ways of doing things?

(2 candidates sat facing Pastor Best)

Pastor Best - Hello, I'm Pastor Best, the best pastor outside of Italy! And you are?

Simon - I'm Simon, Simon Jones

Seamus - I'm Seamus O'Donnell

Pastor Best - OK, you've both applied to be our new pastor

(Katie enters, another candidate)

Pastor Best - Hi, I'll have a coffee. Simon? Seamus? What do you want?

Simon - (not knowing Katie is a candidate) Coffee for me please

Seamus - A pint of Guinness, only joking, coffee...

Katie - No, I'm here for the job interview

Pastor Best - That's kind of you but we already have a church cleaner and the flower rota is pretty full...

Katie - No, I'm applying to be the new youth pastor

Pastor Best - (laughs) That's a good one. Seriously, why are you here?

Katie - I'm being serious!

Pastor Best - You're a woman!

Katie - Well observed

Pastor Best - We don't employ women in this church

Katie - Why not?

Pastor Best - It's all here in 'Baptist history, traditions and guidelines' (hands Katie a large dusty book) pages 673 through 927. Read this and come back if there's anything you don't understand.

(Katie leaves, disgusted - other 2 candidates sit, bemused)

Pastor Best - (shouts after Katie) Two sugars please! Women youth pastors... let me write that down (writes) 'a woman walks into a church and says "I'd like to be the new youth pastor" ' that's brilliant that is, doesn't even need a punchline! They'll love that at the Baptist Seminary (turns to Simon and Seamus). Let's start with an easy question. Are you both Christians?

Both - Yes!

Pastor Best - One all. This is going to be more difficult than I thought. Seamus, have you been baptised?

Seamus - No

Pastor Best - (picks up jug of water) No time like the present

Seamus - I mean yes!

Pastor Best - (puts down the jug) Mmm. I'm sure that you're as familiar as I am with the first 5 verses of Habbukuk chapter 3. Could you please translate these verses into the original Hebrew and explain the theological implications for the Israelites then, and for us today?

Seamus - Um, no

Pastor Best - Then there's no point in you being here. Goodbye

Seamus - Are you a real Minister?

Pastor Best - Of course I am, and I have the dog collar to prove it (picks up an actual dog collar)

(Seamus leaves, disgusted)

Pastor Best - next candidate please

Simon - Here I am - as I said, my name is Simon Jones

Pastor Best - thank goodness you've got a normal name. My name is Pastor, Pastor Billis. Why did you come for this job?

Simon - Well, I felt God calling me to...

Pastor Best - I see, now are you a Christian? You're not from Belmont (replace with local church) are you?

Simon - Er, yes and no.

Pastor Best - Could you be a bit clearer please Mr Bayes

Simon - Hayes

Pastor Best - Hayes?

Simon - My name.

Pastor Best - What about your name. Have you forgotten it?

Simon - No. (confused)

Pastor Best - Excellent. Now, what would you bring to the youthwork. I brought a rainbow guitar strap...

Simon - Um, I'd bring experience with young people...

Pastor Best - Yes, yes but how green is your valley Mr Babe?

Simon - My valley? My name is Hayes not babe.

Pastor Best - Well done. Now, what's your waist size? (Gets out a tape measure...)

Simon - Are you well? I'm not sure what my waist size has got to do with anything.

Pastor Best - It's got a lot to do with your stomach. We've got a pizza card you know.

Simon - Right...

Pastor Best - Mr Smith, do you think Quiche has a place in God's house and which variety?

Simon - Well I suppose so, I like ham

Pastor Best - Ahh, so you're a charismatic

Simon - Well, not exactly

Pastor Best - I like cheese quiche... with extra cheese

Simon - (confused) So what does that make you?

Pastor Best - Cheesy! (laughs at his great joke. Steve shakes his head). Now, have you been baptised (picks up jug of water)

Simon - Yes, yes...

Pastor Best - (sits down, thinks then gets back up with jug) It wasn't as a child was it?

Simon - No, no.

Pastor Best - Good. Now Mrs Galthwaite, what theological impact did Malachi 3.4 have on Messianic Jews in 12th century Palestine?

Simon - I'm really not sure to be honest mate. I'm not sure I want this job.

Pastor Best - Oh, is there a job going? I might apply. Are you the interviewer?

Simon - Yes that's right. My name is Pastor Best...

END